Tuesday, January 17, 2012

Direchihuahua's Rules of Professional Conduct #1: Never Show Employers Who You Really Are

Many professional consultants tell you to show your personality when you write a cover letter or go into an interview with a prospective employer. This is good advice if you are Jesus or Tim Tebow. It is not good advice if you are part of the 99% of the human population who are really, really odd.

In the end, employers want to know that the person they're hiring is essentially bland and uninteresting, and therefore unlikely to cause any trouble or make things exciting in any way.

To this end, an assessment tool has been designed, known as the Essential Lebowitz Blandness Assessment Test, or ELBAT. It is worth noting that this acronym is TABLE spelled backwards. There is much speculation as to the significance of this fact.

In today's problematic economic situation, employers are having great success with using this tool to weed out sub-standard employees. Some of the questions on the ELBAT include "Is the applicant more well-informed than you are about your job?","Does the applicant enjoy doing things that do not involve work?", and "Is the applicant Jesus or Tim Tebow?"

Thus, the best and most surefirest way to get a job in today's economy is to hide everything that makes you you. If your hair looks like it tends to grow toward the nearest source of light, shave it off. If your laugh sounds like Hilary Clinton got into the helium tank again, keep a few cotton balls nearby to choke it off.  
If you have a predilection for collecting the toenail clippings of saints and U.S. presidents, for goodness sake, don't talk about it or bring them in to the office. Please.

Quirky McQuirkQuirk, whoever you are, save all those quirks up for later, once you've been hired and people think you're completely normal.

Then, once in a while, when your coworkers least expect it, trot out your quirks just to terrify them. Revel in their expressions of abject horror. Then, return to being perfectly normal.

Someone will probably complain to your supervisor. If this happens, don't worry. Just shrug and remind him or her that you scored a perfect 100 on the ELBAT.


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The Institute for Circular Reasoning by Peter Semple is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-NonCommercial-NoDerivs 3.0 Unported License.